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Anatomy Quiz: Identify the Rectum

2010/06/16

My dear, sweet wife has a Lifetime addiction. I do not hold it against her. This channel is not for me, it’s for her. But there are not many things in life where the only two demographics are “target audience” and “utter contempt”. I’m in the latter, if you were wondering.

The latest tragedy to belly flop onto this manure pile is Grey’s Anatomy. As is standard procedure, a cable network gains access to reruns of a still relevant show and mercilessly beats you over the head with it. Grey’s Anatomy must be on ten times a day. Before it was Lifetimed, I knew nothing about it. My assumption was that it was just another medical drama; alas, it is in fact an endless nightmare of emotional turmoil which just happens to take place in a hospital. Every single character on this show is unbearable. Within its structure, one can’t have a conversation with anyone else before first talking them down from a ledge. Ex: ‘Don’t worry, interchangeable female doctor #2, you’re a smart, independent woman, and I respect you. You can overcome this. Now will you pass the salt? … What? You say your father died in the salt mines when you were a child? Oh no. Please don’t cry… oh for fuck’s sake…’

Do you even know what this is?

One recent evening, my dear, sweet wife stated that there were too many characters in this show.  It was difficult to keep track of everybody and they needed to trim the number of players, but refused to do so. As this is an incredibly popular show with their target audience nailed, why the self sabotage? It hit me so suddenly:  Everything went white and became silent. I had a revelation.

There was no point to the plot. No point to the setting. Nothing mattered but one thing: The sole purpose of the show are the scenes of intensely dramatic one- on-one dialogue. Player A begins to lose his or her shit. They begin to teeter at the edge of a nervous breakdown while rapidly describing the multitude of issues that they just can’t deal with right now. Player B calmly and firmly indicates that Player A is strong. It’s not their fault. They are good people and a skilled professional. It’s wrapped up with a line from a Hallmark greeting card and a close-up of a freshly comforted face in deep thought. There are a half dozen of these every hour. Enough characters must exist to meet the six per episode quota! This cast must be enormous, consequences be damned, or there is no show!

What a breakthrough! This was exciting! I felt like I had cured cancer! I explained the revelation to my dear, sweet wife. She was unimpressed. “Yeah? That’s how soap operas work.”

Grey’s Anatomy viewers in action.

Deflated. Crushed. Borderline humiliated. I went from curing cancer to being a 2 year old that just discovered his dick. ‘That’s great son, now stop playing with it’. This is a soap opera? I’d never actually seen one. This is what my mother watched while raising me? It’s a miracle I wasn’t brain damaged. One would think that daily exposure to this abuse would cause more long term harm than a lead sippy cup. I’m not completely sold on her analysis, but the dismissal of my revelation only reinforces my burning hatred of all things Lifetime. They know they are serving up shit, the target audience knows they’re being fed shit, and neither party could be happier with the relationship. Lifetime is the McChicken Sandwich of cable TV.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. 2010/06/22 12:36 am

    I’ll see the rectum, and raise you a sphincter!

  2. Relish Rickles permalink
    2010/07/14 10:09 am

    I tried to watch this piece of shit too. I wanted to like it because I really like Sandra Oh. Unfortunately the lead character talks in a baby voice and tries to do the “pout that made Zellweger famous” every three minutes and it made her completely unbelievable as a doctor. (Even a TV Doctor)

    When there are so many awesome man-hater movies on Lifetime Movie Network featuring such brillant actresses as Tracy Gold, Joanna Kerns, Judith Light, and all of the former Charlie’s Angels, it is a shame to waste one’s time on the regular Lifetime channel watching reruns. I hope your wife gives up on Grey’s and I hope you find your rectum.

    –Relish

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