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There’s a McDonald’s up the road from here. Many times, during lunch and dinner rush, the line from the drive-thru coils around the building and goes out into the adjacent road like a greasy steel anaconda. Traffic on this two lane street comes to a stop, because fat fucks be damned if they’ll get out of their cars for french fries. What incredible laziness! Here’s a line. It’s fifteen cars long and ends just before the road. I’ll jump into that rather than park and waddle my thunder-tits inside. Sure, the back half of my car is blocking traffic all the way to that intersection, but the front half is in! My body is in. I’m safe. Sorry about the back half, but you can’t blame me, I’m not in the road.

I judge you, fatty fat! You are a horrible person! I’ve never met you, and I don’t need to. If a runaway truck obliterated your sideways burger-parked car, I would make sure you were dead before calling an ambulance.

Oh, that’s not fair at all, is it? Sure, their actions fly in the face of common sense, human decency and even self preservation… but it’s still just an assumption. These lumps are the embodiment of laziness for certain, but that alone doesn’t warrant such personal loathing. Therefore, in an attempt to justify my reflexive hatred, I set out to statistically prove that unreasonable drive-thru users are not just lazy, but big fat ugly assholes as well.

There may be practical applications for this knowledge. Establishing common links across a spectrum of negative human characteristics could open up new psychotherapeutic treatments. This is the first step in developing a cure for asshole! Members of the Nobel Committee: I can be reached through the comments section of this article.

A Scientific Analysis of Assholes:


Customers will be observed for equal amounts of time during lunch rush of the same day, both at the drive through speaker and the inside counter. A tally will be kept of the basic traits of each individual. The given is that when the drive through line is excessively long, the people in it suffer from terminal laziness, and those inside the building do not. I expect to be able to draw a solid relation between laziness, stupidity, disrespectful attitude and physical unattractiveness.


Good weather (no precipitation, excessive heat or cold). Drive-thru patrons with handicap tags, pets or children are exempt. Indoor patrons who don’t get their orders to-go are exempt. Only those who got orders to-go made the decision to not use the drive-thru. The drive through line must be backed up more than five cars beyond the speaker box for any tallies to be taken. Only one person per order is counted; the driver of the car on the outside, and whoever pays for the order on the inside.


Measured by the sound of the customer’s voice.
Scale of 1 (Elmer Fudd) to 5 (Kelsey Grammer).
You may question this one, so I’ll elaborate. The touchy feely part of you is currently thinking that one can’t judge a book by its cover. But I bet you’d think twice about your baby sitter if dey axed you how much dey wuz gone git paid. Watch the NASA channel for an hour. Smartest people on the planet and not a one of them slur, stutter, or have a southern accent.

Measured by tone of customer’s voice.
Scale of 1 (Asshat) to 2 (Not Asshat).
The distinction between this and the Intelligence identifier above is that you can axe questions without sass or bitterness. ‘Not Asshat’ is the default, and I expect there to be very few Asshats.

Physical attractiveness:
Measured by my sexual arousal.
Scale of 1 (Oh God, no) to 5 (Oh God, yes).
The original plan was to bring a woman or a gay along with me to help rate the men folk, but I didn’t want to have to buy anyone lunch. I think I can fake it for a couple hours.


Session 1:  20 minutes in and out.
Intelligence range 1 to 5.
Attitude range 1 to 2.
Physical attractiveness range  1 to 5.


Total:                                                     1
Average Intelligence:                     3.00
Average Attitude:                            2.00
Average Attractiveness:               1.00


Total:                                                     35
Average Intelligence:                     2.65
Average Attitude:                            1.92
Average Attractiveness:               2.30


Thirty-five to one? What the hell am I supposed to do with this? I’m not going back. What’s the point? It was a ghost town in there. You big fat dumb fucks. The employees working the registers were playing god damned tiddly winks. No one seemed surprised. The building was literally surrounded by idiocy and no one flinched. Apparently any food service worker could have told me what the outcome of this study would be ahead of time, if only I had asked.

This is as solid a result as I could have hoped for, yet I don’t feel better at all. What is wrong with you people? You get the cheeseburger blinders on and it crushes your judgment!

Conclusion: Everyone who’s ever gone through a McDonald’s drive-thru is lazy, ugly and unfathomably stupid.

Additional notes about the asshats. I marked a total of two; one for talking on a cell phone while ordering, one for inexplicably and repeatedly shouting “NO PICKLES”. Also, on one of the Elmer Fudds I wrote “sounds like Mary Katherine Gallagher with downs” in the margin. So that was fun.

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