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I Want to Wash my Hands of the OCD Project.

2010/07/12

For those of you who actually read this crap and remember anything that I wrote on my last posting, I owe you an apology.  I made an end-note on my last blog that I was going to write about MTV’s The Real World next time I posted, but it isn’t on for another ten minutes, and there is something that cannot wait.  That something is VH-1’s The OCD Project

I love the shit out of crazy people.  This is the central component of my reality TV addiction.  I would think that putting a bunch of self-absorbed nutbags who are afraid of their own piss, together in a residential treatment facility would be hilarious. That said, I can’t believe what a disappointment this show has turned out to be. 

The cast consists of three men and three women along with the shrink, Dr. Tolin, or Tobin, or something like that.  They’re a pretty diverse group, but they have one thing in common that eliminates the petty conflict that makes putting a bunch of strangers together so much friggin’ fun–THEY’RE ALL THE SAME BRAND OF CRAZY! (Except for Kevin, but I’ll get to him in a minute.)

An easy way to rectify this problem would be to introduce some drugs and alcohol into the mix.  This would add some depth to the insanity and make it much more watchable (Are you feeling me, producers?).  VH-1’s awesome train wreck, Celebrity Rehab, is excellent viewing because you never know when someone’s BFF is going to come to “Family and Friends Day” with a balloon full of horse. 

For example, on Sober House (This is where your publicist makes you go if you didn’t get enough face-time on Celebrity Rehab) Crazy Town’s Seth “Shifty” Binzer (If you have no idea who this is you’re probably not alone.  Most of the celebrities on Celebrity Rehab have something of the same caliber as  “Appeared in Dogfood Commercial” as the highlight of their resumes.) Too many asides–Let me start over (assuming that you have googled Crazy Town and Seth Binzer)  Goddammit!  I can’t stop! 

OK. Last Season on Sober House, Seth Binzer invited some really nice girls to a visitor’s BBQ.  Long story short, one of the girls, who appeared to be about 16, showed up absolutely obliterated.  The staff was kind enough to offer this girl some help toward getting sober, but, alas, she had to shoot a porn movie the next day and due to her good, old-fashioned work-ethic she had to pass on the rehab.  =EXCELLENT VIEWING!!!!!

Another problem with The OCD Project is that no one ever gets horny.  First of all, they’re all a bunch of maniacal germaphobes which doesn’t lend itself well to a raunchy fuck when the staff is out of earshot.  And again, there is no booze and no drugs to make people horny, so who wants to knock one off in the laundry room anyway. 

As is true with most reality shows, there is someone whom I would love to punch in the face.  The girl’s name is Kristen. Remember the girl at camp who would twist her ankle and then cry and limp around to get attention for the next three days?   That’s Kristen.  She’s perpetually in tears and whines about everything that she’s asked to do.  The other patients are beginning to get fed up, and I would be too if it weren’t for one thing… The doctor keeps making her contaminate her stuff with urine 🙂  Seriously!!!! It’s really the only redeeming factor of this whole stupid show.  He has one of the men (because she thinks men are dirtier) piss in a cup, and then Kristen has to dip her fingers in it and touch her stuff.  I am smiling soooo hard right now.  Now you know why I tune in every week despite the fact that the show is pretty much for the ass.

In addition to not providing patients with drugs and alcohol, the producers of the show really dropped the ball when they allowed the doctor to get rid of Kevin.  Kevin was the nuttiest fucker of the bunch, but because the doctor suspected that he had Asperger’s Syndrome in addition to OCD, he felt that Kevin would be better served in a different type of program.  Well that’s just great for Kevin, you A-hole, but what about me?  What about the ratings, Man?  Anyhoo, in one fell swoop, the most interesting person on the show was eliminated and the screwability scale dropped down to zero, as Kevin resembles Hollywood actor, and number 3 on my “guys I want to pound me” list, Aaron Eckhart.  Seriously, I even sat through that piece of shit he did with Katherine Zeta-Jones. 

The OCD Project has a lot going against it, and if you haven’t guessed, I am giving it a rating of 1 (sucks).  The real problem with this show is that everybody is pretty nice, and the therapy really seems to be working.  If I were nice, and I didn’t care about being entertained, I would be really happy for the cast of this show.  I am not nice, and I want to be entertained, so I want Andy Dick to show up with a six-pack of Rolling Rock, a pair of Asian prostitutes, and portable meth-lab in his suitcase.  

I’ll watch the rest of this series, but only cuz ain’t nobody gonna  call me a quitter.  If you haven’t seen it and you really hate yourself that much, you can catch full episodes on VH1.com, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Now it’s time to crank up the DVR for some REAL WORLD!!

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