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Product Review: Rum. All of it.


Dark rum is delicious. It’s the sweet, Caribbean nectar of the gods and I enjoy it mightily. Maybe it’s so damn good because it’s made from something that’s already tasty (sugar). Every other liquor is made from boring old staples like potatoes, rice or other grains. This also means I can get tore up without the guilt of contributing to world hunger. It tastes good, feels good, and thanks to television commercials makes it seem like my life is more exciting than it really is. I like it on the rocks, no mixer, which has the unfortunate side effect of making me look like an alcoholic. While admitting that I cannot have a good time without being drunk, I’d also like to point out that I rarely have fun.

You know what would be fun, though? Taking you on a tour of everyday grocery store rums. I’m not an expert or anything, merely experienced by way of repetition. What are you doing tonight? I’m free and well stocked. I don’t have anything rare either, so it’ll be a practical guide. Let’s go through the cabinet right now!

Brugal Anejo

I’m cheating immediately on that “grocery store” description. This rum may not be readily available in all areas, but it’s my favorite so it can’t be skipped. Of everything on hand, this is the one I can describe without refreshing my memory. Not that that will keep me from pouring a glass. If I were some kind of pretentious wine-sniffing douchebag, I’d say that it has a slight buttery bite with a nutty finish. But I’m not. So “it’s the best” will have to do. The rest of the rums on this list aren’t necessarily in order of good to bad, but I could not resist taking down the best bottle first. We’ll keep it to the normal stuff from now on. I promise.

Gosling’s Black Seal

I also couldn’t resist taking down the second best bottle next. It’s called “Black” Seal for a reason. This is as dark as it gets. It’s got a great flavor and is a bit smoother than the Brugal. After having the two back to back, I’m having a hard time remembering why I don’t call Black Seal the best. It costs a little bit less, the flavor is great, the color and thickness are amazing to behold, and even the picture on the bottle is neat. This is also available pretty much everywhere. If you left for a store right now, you could probably be back with a bottle before I finished typing this next sentence. “Take a look at Eiffel Towers, never trust them dirty liars.” Ha! You’re so silly, Stone Temple Pilots. You can’t rhyme “towers” with “liars. Where are my CDs? Did you make it back with your bottle in time? I found “Purple” but that paper heart song is on “Tiny Music”… Man, Black Seal is the best.

Sailor Jerry

I don’t know why this shit is so popular. Probably because there’s a sexy hula girl on the bottle. Of course that’s the reason. 92 proof is too much to handle. Maybe it’s my own fault for not mixing, but fuck that. I’m allowed to say no, and it’s still better than Bacardi Golden Asshole Gasoline Buttwater or whatever. Actuly, upon re-tasting, this is not that bad. This is much better than I remeber. I let half a bottle sit at the back of the shelf for years because it was no good, but I as wrong! I take it back. Saily Jerry is the best, and Bacardi sucks. The hula girl is a cheep hook, but it’s worth it once you get inside. That last sentence was fucking hot.

Saint James

There’s a recipe on this bottlefor “Plantation Punch”. I made it once It was awesome. Its easy. Just pineapple juice orange juice and Saint James. Not that you have to use Saint James. Its like the tuna salad recipe on the side of the bumblebee tuna cam. “Use 1 6 once can of BUBMLEBEE TUNA” like shit. I use Starkist for spite. SPITE YOU, TUNA. But that’s not real Plantation PUnch. I saw a you tube video for a plantation punch recipe. It was a “Founding Fathers Planation PUnchl”, actually. It is like fruit and fruit juices and thin sliced oranges and fruit juice again. What the fuck is this? Thatss bullshit because there is no way we win the revolutionary war if the founding fathers were drinking little girl shirley temple drink.s The recipe on the Saint JAmes label is better, because you don’t have to slice oranges or lose wars. You do get stuck with a big gan of pineable juice, though. They only sell that shit in treat big steel drums, and what the hell are you going to do with a quart of leftover pinapple juice? Saint ames is the fucking best.

Captain Morgan

Dude, The Captain is the best. I always keep a gallon bottle of this in resersve . Wait, not a gallon. Just a big bottle. 1.75L what’s that in english? 2.2 exactly 3.85 gallons. Toxy had this awesome cheeseburger the other night. It was awesome. It’s just a picture, but ti’s still delicious. Cheeseburger. CHeeeeeese burrrrgrrrrr. Burrrrrrgerrrrrr. Ha. Want to hear my angry polar bear impersonation? Chekc  this out. “BRRRRRRR! GRRRRRRRR!” Ha! Dude cheseburder. I bet you I can go get a bottle of cheeseburger before you finish typing this senetnece. Go. Dude this is delicios. It looks even vbetter than Toxy’s. And tastes better because its not pixlated. This is the best cheserasburgetr ever,k you have to see this thing is beytiful. Where is my camrera ill hook you up. Check that shit out


What the fuck? Hold on.


There is mayonuase on my god damned keyboard now. Stop stealing my CHAZBARDUR, keyboard! It’s people food. you can eat from your air can again. HEre you go yum yum. Psssshhhhhhhhhhhh pssshshhhhhh.

Montezuma Tequila

I thought my deersweet wife and her drunkass firends turned all the shit tequiela into strawverry fucking margarits! Guess not. Does your lady ever talk about her mom’s looks? Mine does. I mean like “I hopoe you like what you see there because that’s what I”ll look like in 30 years ha ha giggle”. Well shit yea her mom is fucking msokin’ hot. Shhh that’s a secret. I know how it works and I’ll be sittin’ pretty in 30 years. Why do you think we’r emarried? I gotta lock that shit down. It’s like a retirement plan in pussy. I saw what what happendd to my 401k last year and I see what happends to the women in yoru family at 55. Gotta make sure AT least haof of my futre is sexcure.. . .. the sexy halfj. what the FUck I cant put that on the internet! It’s secret. Shhh shhh. What the helldid I just do? No yes THere’s strikethough, I have strikethru it’s OK. Here wait. Wait. My mother in law is fucking smoking hot. There ok.ok? OK. This is the best trequila i’ve ver had.

WTF pig?

OMG WTF IS THIS? I DID NO TPUT THIS HERE! Listen, there’s this jar in the corner of the capbinet and it’s yelloish and I’m like, score a mystery rum bottle. No sir no sir at all. its pig jar. I’ve onlyh ad this house two years it wasn’t me. It was like that wnen i got hear.. THis is awesomecheck it out. Like goldshlagger has gold in it and tequila has worms in it but i’ve got yellow with a whole fucking  pig in it. THis is epic I hav eto do this jcheck it out. *ahem* the swine jar is  a course, aggressive rumm with a citrousy bouquet and crisp earthy body. Ha ha ha gross. Its not that bad really. THis is better than Bacardi,too. It’s like drinking the jiuce  from a jar of pickled eggs. Or pickled pigs afeeet! HA! Ho. oh the pig kicks back. Fuck you pig, stay in mah belly! Ha ha oh no OMG I CANT SEE!

IV fluids and Erythromycin

The IV presents a clean, delicate aroma… ha ha… fuck. Aw man. The surgeon says I have “multiple gastrointestinal perforations”, whatever that means. I must have gotten salmonella from the pig.

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