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The Real World 2010–Ryan Sucks

2010/08/07

Welcome to MTV’s the Real World 2010.  For the one person left who has yet to watch a season or even an episode of this douchbag-whore-o-rama, let me explain.  The producers or casting directors or whomever it is that has the hateful task of casting this show, sift through hours and hours of audition videos in order to find the eight people who will occupy a really cool house with awesome stuff, and agree that in exchange they will allow themselves to be taped at all times.  Pretty basic reality format, and as far as I know, this is the first show to do this.

So fast-forward to 2010-season whatever.  I know this is the second time that the Real World has been in New Orleans because I remember the last time.  I don’t really remember anything they did, but I remember that the person I wanted to punch in the face was this Asian or Pacific Islander broad with really big lips.

I think I’ve seen about four episodes of this season and I feel like I can give a worthy critique that will allow you, Dear Reader, to decide whether you want to waste your time on this bullshit.  Before I begin I want to apologize to Matt, the ringleader of this literary dung-pile we call “Opinionated Misfits” for not posting any pictures.  Sorry A-hole, I have a life.  I don’t have countless hours to sift through the internet looking for pictures of the cast of this show.  I will, however, invite you to post as many pictures as you want on this and any of my posts.  (Since the first publishing, Matt has sent me pictures to post.  Thank you for catering to my laziness, Captain Awesome.) I will also direct those of you who give a shit to go to MTV.com and look for yourself.  If you’re reading this, I’m sure you don’t have anything better to do.

Going Left to Right

Back Row: Ryan the Fuckhead, Eric, and Preston
Second Row: Sahar, Ashlee, and Jemmye

Seated: McKenzie and Knight.

So, let’s begin:

Who invited the smart girl?  Ashlee is very pretty and very smart (for someone stupid enough to go on The Real World).  She’s also very boring.  Rather than getting liquored up an screwing strangers, she hangs around with Preston, this season’s token homosexual, and together they spend their days and nights attempting to get street interviews for a local radio station.  Unfortunately they always fuck up.  First they lose everything they’ve recorded, then the next night they lose the recorder altogether.  Luckily it’s New Orleans and the radio station guy is used to fuck ups.

Token Queer- Preston is this season’s token gay, and although he spends a great deal of time with boring Ashlee, he still finds time to get liquored up and fuck anyone who’ll have him.  He also finds time to tease and upset Ryan who you will find out more about later. 

Eric and Sahar– These two are pretty much non-entities thus far.  Neither one seems to have much of a personality or alcoholic tendencies so I don’t pay much attention to them.  I’m sure they’ll be fucking each other by the end of the season.

Person I want to screw– McKenzie   Yes, I’m a heterosexual girl, and so is McKenzie, but seeing as there are no fuckable guys this season I am going to have to go with Kenzie as the winner of the “Person I Want to Screw” prize.  Of course considering the fact that neither one of us has a penis, I should probably change it to the “Person I Want to Bump Donuts With” prize.  I’m not saying that this girl is worth jumping the fence for, I’m just saying that I want to fuck her in an “If I WERE gay” way (Are you paying attention to this Zooey Deschannel?).

McKenzie is an angelic-looking Florida beach bunny who blacks out from two beers.  This, of course, makes her an easy target for date rapists.  Everyone is already sick of babysitting her.  It’s always awesome when you live in a house full of binge drinkers and you’re known as the drunk girl.  Congratulations McKenzie!

Jemmye and Knight-  This pair of young lovers is what reality TV is all about.  I feel a strong connection to these two crazy kids because I’ve lived in Jemmye’s hometown of Starkville, Mississippi, and I currently live near Knight’s (real name is Ryan Knight, not to be confused with Ryan who sucks) home town of Kenosha, Wisconsin.  I like to think that this makes me know where these kids are coming from.

Jemmye and Knight are awesome.  Jemmye is typical southern white trash, but with surprisingly liberal views on gay marriage and the legalization of weed.  Knight is textbook midwestern podunk (All dick; no brains. Yippie!)  When North meets South, hilarity ensues. 

Jemmye still had her “white guy V-card” when she met Knight.  Knight, in true Wisconsin fashion, posted something that looked similar to a football pool on his bedroom wall and sold squares showing when he might be Jemmye’s first white guy.  These fabulous dipshits were screwing on camera by the second episode!  I love them.

And Finally… The Guy I Want to Punch in the Face  –Ryan is a total fuckhead.  I originally thought he might be the guy I want to screw, but he blew that by the end of episode one.  Ryan refused to room with Knight because he thought Knight looked like a dirty meat-head.  As it turns out, Ryan is a slob who refuses to do any chores, and he’s also a bigoted, homophobic cock-nozzle.  I hate this guy. 

Preston, bless his heart, takes every chance he gets to egg this little pussy on.  It’s not difficult because Ryan throws a temper tantrum about every five minutes.  The best thing that has happened this season was when Ryan pissed Preston off and Preston pissed on Ryan’s toothbrush.  Ryan’s next move was to call the police to have Preston arrested.  This was a total bitch move, especially considering the fact that Ryan stuck Preston’s cigarettes in the crack of his ass.

Ryan and Preston After Mardi Gras

As the season progresses it’s becoming obvious that Ryan is batshit crazy.  I loves the crazy, but this fucker has a mean streak and he needs to be stopped.  After he and Preston seemingly buried the hatchet following the piss incident, Ryan called his brother and bragged that he threw Preston’s debit card out the window and ruined his favorite hat.  What a dick. 

Ryan also originally had the hots for my pretend girlfriend McKenzie.  On the first night they all went out together, McKenzie had the nerve to speak to a guy in a bar which threw Ryan into one of his now famous tantrums.  He, of course, had no problem fucking McKenzie’s best friend who had come for a visit on the following episode.   I hate you Ryan.  I hate your stupid haircut and you suck at skateboarding. 

Did I mention that Ryan is a born-again virgin who wears a purity ring?  He’s also a hairdresser with a Joe Jonas haircut and has the nerve to get pissed when people assume he’s gay.  I guess he can’t be a virgin anymore since he boned McKenzie’s friend.  I, however, am now aware that I am the holder of many V-cards thanks to my friend Jemmye.  I was always under the impression that one only had one virginity, but according to Jemmye a person has a virginity for each race.  I have only had sex with whites with the exception of one Filipino.  I am also wondering if I am considered a midget virgin, an amputee virgin, or a toupee virgin. 

 Looks like I have a lot of fucking to do so let’s get to the rating.  I’m going to go ahead and give this season a 3 (Good).  Although half of the cast sucks, the other half more than make up for it.  Knight, Jemmye, Preston and Ryan are the whole show, and the possibility that there may be an episode where Ryan’s mouth causes him to get the shit knocked out of him is enough to keep me watching.  Enjoy!

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