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Coffee and Correctol–The Devil’s Cocktail


Gentle Reader:

Have you ever shit yourself dizzy?  Well  until today I hadn’t either,  but all that has changed now.  I’ve been on a low-carb diet for about three months now, and have had pretty decent results as far as weight loss goes.  There is a downside, however, that I can express in the form of a joke: 

Q: What does the Atkin’s Diet have in common with a really bad bar?

A: No beer and hard stools.

After three hours of straining to produce nothing but marble sized ass-cacti, I decided that a gentle women’s laxative was in order.  The dosage is between one and three tablets for ages 6 and older.  I’m not a pansy so I figured I would need more than one, but I’m not a zealot either so I decided to start with two and if I needed more I would take it. 

After a few hours with no results, my husband, Alfred Einstein, (shout out to the Farrelly Brothers) suggested a large cup of strong coffee.  I took his advice despite the numerous volcanoes he has constructed for the school at which he teaches’ science fairs.  Let’s just say I have Mount Krakatoa… in my pants.  I did, however, manage to shed my pants before it erupted.  Thank you Baby Jesus.

After the violent outburst of three days worth of meat, cheese, and eggs (I know you’re supposed to eat salad so fuck you.  I’m sick of salad and I’m out of lettuce.  I do eat a lot of broccoli so suck it.  I swear if one diet know it all comments on this blog telling me to eat a salad, I’ll kill a puppy.  Don’t test me.  I’m fucked up like that.) I was literally dizzy which brings me to my first product endorsement:

  Lysol Neutra Air

I have a small bathroom and I literally staggered out of it.  It may have been from an electroyte imbalance caused by dehydration, but I think this stuff may have had something to do with it, therefore, I give Lysol Neutra Air an “A” for huffability.

I also want to endorse Correctol

If I had read the package before I took the advice of my husband, the amateur proctologist, I would’ve seen that Correctol provides “gentle overnight relief.”  Had I not been in a blind panic caused by three days of less than adequate peristalsis I would have never added the catalyst that caused the explosion.  I’m sorry I doubted you, Correctol.

 I do have to give some props to McDonald’s McCafe.

I don’t normally drink caffeinated coffee as I would rather take my caffeine in pill form because I feel it gives me more control over how much I am getting.  I was pleasantly surprised by the rich, robust flavor that McDonald’s coffee now has, unlike the shit they used to serve.  I usually drink a decaffeinated dark roast that has a stronger taste than the McCafe, but it really wasn’t bad.  It would’ve been nice if it hadn’t caused flames to shoot out of my ass though. 

FightingFit1.jpgFreddie Roach’s Fighting Fit

This is how I usually get my caffeine.   I like it because it makes me super hyper and I can clean my whole house in 45 minutes and still want to beat up Mexican people just like my favorite boxer, Manny “Pacman” “The Mexicutioner” Pacquiao. 

I guess the moral of the story is the same as what my father told my husband when he asked if he could marry me, which is to be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.  (True story.  Fuck you, Dad.) 

So this brings me to my final product endorsement of the evening:

  Generic Anti-Diarrheal.

You know how on Elvis’ birthday they always play those documentaries and people always talk about how Elvis took amphetamines to wake up and narcotics to go to sleep?  If my intestines were Elvis, Generic Anti-Diarrheal would be its narcotic.  T-minus six hours and counting since my last episode.  Thank you Generic Anti-Diarrheal.  And to my colon, a goodnight.

16 Comments leave one →
  1. meathorse permalink
    2010/08/08 5:22 pm

    I laughed. There are quite a few good nuggets in there.

    • Relish Rickles permalink
      2010/08/09 10:05 pm

      About a pound and a half of them at least.

  2. MojoX permalink
    2010/08/09 7:49 am

    Holy crap, that was good.

    • Relish Rickles permalink
      2010/08/09 10:04 pm

      You have no idea.

  3. ezra permalink
    2010/08/23 5:29 am

    Eat a salad.

  4. Relish Rickles permalink
    2010/09/16 12:57 pm

    Mr. Sniffy’s blood is on your hands, Hill.

  5. :O ouchie permalink
    2011/09/03 9:10 pm

    You really lucked out taking both a laxative and an anti-diarrheal. Last time I tried that, I was in intense pain for most of the day and still couldn’t go. Drink more water, it will help prevent this

  6. 2011/11/27 11:19 pm

    Very vivid story, loved it

  7. Dark_Willow permalink
    2012/01/07 5:18 pm

    Sounds like something I would have wrote Love that shit!!!!He, he, he

  8. Jackie permalink
    2012/02/29 7:05 am

    LOL I’m going through the same thing! I read the first paragraph and thought I wrote this. I was literally Roflmao! Please, don’t kill a puppy. Well, ok, if some one does tell you to eat salad. Anyway, look up the carb nite diet. You may like it. Take care..

  9. Lala permalink
    2012/03/17 3:59 pm

    This is hilarious!

  10. lisa p permalink
    2012/08/04 11:45 am

    Everyone needs to stfu. This was an amazing post. Thank you, Relish Rickles. I am shitting on the toilet as I type this, thanks to… Correctol! <33 and coffee 😀

  11. 2012/11/11 12:39 pm

    Thanks. I don’t need to get any now. I laughed so hard that I sharted.

  12. Olivia hill permalink
    2012/11/19 2:15 pm

    Rotfl! I laughed so hard I pissed myself! Thank u!

  13. Tammy King permalink
    2013/02/12 2:17 pm

    now that’s funny!

  14. Traci permalink
    2013/05/07 6:49 pm

    As someone whose medication does the same thing, apparently, as a low carb diet, I might have to start drinking coffee…there are days where I’ll take shitting my pants as a plus! Lol

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