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“I left a spider for you!”
What the hell?
I come downstairs to see a single abandoned shoe in the middle of the living room. I lift the shoe to find… nothing.
“Where is it?… Where are you?”
A head pokes up from behind the couch.
A trembling hand points to the shoe that I’m now crouched over.
“It’s right there.”
Upon closer inspection, there’s a black smear on the bottom of the sneaker. It’s half the size of a grain of rice. Looks moist. Definitely organic.
“This? This thing? Seriously?”
“Yes! It’s nasty!”
I take the shoe through the kitchen, into the entryway, and reunite it with its other half on the floor by the front door.
“Did you clean it up?”
Uh… “Yes.”… sure.
She bounds into the room to give me an affectionate peck on the cheek before returning to Amish Grace.
A light bulb goes off in my head.

This isn’t uncommon. It’s downright traditional. Fish swim, birds fly and women are TERRIFIED of vermin. Where does this come from? Little girls are taught to play with dolls and be pretty, not run away screaming from roaches. It has to be instinctual, but if it is, why is it gender specific? No one likes bugs crawling around in their shit, but a man can at least murder the little bastards while keeping his composure. The key to this puzzle is in the above exchange with me and my wife. Let’s break down the sequence of events at a high level.

1)      Woman is in distress

2)      Man resolves situation

3)      Man receives physical reward from Woman

The human female’s instinctual fear of vermin is a reproductive aide! Maybe it’s a method for choosing a caring mate. That’s the theory, anyway. It will take years of experimentation to prove.

Let’s begin!

A Scientific Analysis of Killin’ Shit and Gettin’ Some

Hypothesis: Female aversion to insects and rodents is a product of sexual selection.

Testing Method: Like the world’s most maladjusted peacock, I will stomp the shit out of small animals in an effort to gain affection. Specifically, the test consists of the following steps:

1)      My assistant, Anonymous Johnson, and I take station in a public place, such as a park or Wal-Mart parking lot.

2)      As a woman passes by, I give a friendly “hello”.

a)      If the woman avoids eye contact while passing, no “hello” is given and the test is aborted.

b)      The woman must appear to be at least 18 years of age.

3)      At the same moment Anonymous Johnson, who was walking from a different direction with a shoebox in hand, accidentally drops the box at the woman’s feet. Vermin scatter from the box.

4)      I stomp the shit out of the vermin.

5)      I proposition the woman for unprotected sex.

As a control, I will also perform solo tests without the aid of Anonymous Johnson and his shoebox full of creepy crawlies.

Science in action

Results: The table below represents data taken in and around St Louis Missouri between 2007 and 2010. The result rows indicate final actions taken against me. One attempt can result in multiple actions.

Two things jump out immediately, the first being the Mouse results. This run was cut short at 27 due to the severe beatings received. The cartoon images of scared housewives standing on chairs are all lies. It appears that a conflicting stereotypical female behavior was confirmed… women love small, warm, cuddly, furry things. To press this issue further, I tacked on the ill conceived Puppy trial. It was quite conclusive.

The second point of interest is the high Lay rate of the Spiders and Scorpions. What do they have that Roaches and Ants don’t? A level of danger. Ants and Roaches are scavengers. Spiders and Scorpions are venomous predators. This is an interesting twist. Though not disproving the theory, it certainly adds another layer to it. While there’s still an obvious connection between vermin eradication and mate selection, it seems not to be arbitrary. There’s also a genuine connection to protection against potential threats.

In response to this new information, another trial was prepared to test more dangerous scenarios. The secondary theory is that the Lay rate will increase as the level of danger increases.

(Author’s Note: The remainder of this study was compiled from meathorse’s notes by Anonymous Johnson)

This secondary test was inconclusive. The Lay count stands at zero, but in both cases the subject seemed mildly aroused by the attempted defense. I recommend that retrials of this run not be performed by individuals lacking a lion taming or general animal control background. Memorial contributions may be made to Saint Louis University Hospital, 3655 Vista Avenue Saint Louis, MO 63110.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Steven Butts permalink
    2010/08/13 9:37 pm

    Yay! Unprotected sex.

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