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The Expendables: So Close to “Not Shit”

2010/08/17

Please allow me to start by saying that I enjoyed this movie. It’s just that the AmazingMattyP has been sucking its cock so hard… someone had to put some teeth on that blowjob.

The Expendables isn’t bad… ok, it’s bad. But it’s that one in a million GOOD bad. It could have been a legitimate good good if not for one fatal and unforgivable mistake. This supposed throwback action flick fell victim to the modern technique of quick cut action scenes. The whole purpose of this movie was to show dudes punching each other, but when it came time to do honorable battle, the camera had a fucking seizure and I was lost. Maybe you younger folks can follow these chopped up fights, but I’m unable to tell what the hell is going on. If Stallone didn’t flat out tell me that he just got his ass kicked right after he got his ass kicked, I wouldn’t have known. I used to think that quick cut action was an undesirable shortcut. Maybe the actors can’t fake fight for shit… maybe the budget is a bit thin and time needs to be saved, but I don’t know anymore. What excuse would this, the resurrector of old school action, have for such unwatchable fight scenes? It has to be a style choice. Does everyone really have a quarter second attention span? Can we not be bothered to sit through two punches in a row without having our point of view jarringly cut from behind Austin’s head to up Stalone’s ass?

Just look at this crap. Here’s a brief clip of a fight from the movie. It’s the 2nd Jet Li one. No, wait, I think I just saw Stone Cold. Dude, I can’t even tell who’s in it. This is the perfect example. The scene changes every freakin’ half second.

I don’t care how unbelievable the plot is, or how super-human the heroes are, or how bad the dialogue is. Real action movie fans will say the same thing. Just want to see Stallone punch a bitch. They tried hard to fuck that up, too.

Not everyone can be Jackie Chan, but this is the kind of perfection that one should aspire to.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. 2010/08/17 9:49 pm

    ‘Telling the difference between people fighting’ would have affected the pacing in a non-favorble way, and made it appear that it wasn’t being filmed by a meth-head that just ate a case of pixy sticks.

    You want slow-mo? Go watch ‘Lone Wolf McQuade’.

    Wait, I thought you were ten years younger than me. And you couldn’t follow the quick cuts? It must be the slow-paced living down there in Missoura. Hell, I’d bet you missed fifteen minutes there at the movin pitcher show just when you bent over to take off your one shoe so your foots could get some airs.

  2. meathorse permalink
    2010/08/18 7:15 am

    Oh snap! The man whose qualifications for fine cinema are “movement and color” thinks I’m a simpleton? My home state reflects poorly on me once again. If only I lived somewhere more relevant, like Wisconsin.

    Here’s a translation in Expendables, just in case that was too comprehensible for you.

    OhsnapmanqualfinecinmovementcolorthinkI’msimplehomestatepoor
    IfIsomewhererelevantlikeWI

  3. 2010/08/18 6:50 pm

    Pshaw.

  4. meathorse permalink
    2010/08/18 7:22 pm

    Harrumph.

  5. ezra permalink
    2010/08/20 8:01 pm

    ive got three quarters wood from that jackie chan clip. hey, amp, come here and suck it for me. just close your eyes and pretend im the expendables.

  6. MacGyver permalink
    2010/08/21 1:09 am

    I hate quick-cut action, so I’m with you there. The movie still rocked my balls, though. Lots of shooting, punching, and explosions. That’s what I was there for. I’m not sure why they were missing the gratuitous sex scene, though. Blood, Booms, and Boobs makes for the perfect action movie (e.g., Commando, Die Hard.)

    You also get a point for mentioning Legend of Drunken Master, with its final fight where Asian people beat the snot out of each other for 20 minutes. That puts your lifetime total MacGyverPoints at -5.

    The editing of the combat remix was top notch as well.

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