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misadventures in disingenuity


Meatless Squirt tube

It’s been ages, I know. 6 months or so, (at least). To my one follower, ‘I apologize’. I became busy; we all became busy, and sorta, accidentally pulled the plug, (except meathorse, he pulled Relish Rickles finger instead.) We are nonetheless trying to return to mediocre-ness, as our respective schedules permit. Believe us, this absence does not do wonders for our collective self esteem. Know this though, in contribution to my absence, I must admit, that I was offering far too many positive reviews in-a-row for my own good. Therefore, today’s review is resplendent with spite, ire, anger and hate. It’s not that we do not want to provide positive reviews, we do, when warranted. However, the impetus of our blog is to razor-wire through the over-fluffed rhetoric that is branding and marketing. Trust me, we can ‘spin’ too, if necessary, but really, where’s the benefit?

That said, Let’s begin.

We all know that I’m a vegetarian. Done. As a ‘V-guy’, (short for vagitarian,) I’m really not interested in substitutes which actually ‘taste like meat’. I am looking for protein alternatives, which don’t resemble rubber, and which compliment the other variety of ingredients which I use in meal preparation. In that regard, I tried something new to me last night. I was skeptical from the onset, but allowed other food blogs to assuage me. My mistake. Opening the packaging to Lightlife’s Gimme Lean Ground Sausage Style Veggie Protein, (yes the title alone is more than a mouthful.), sent me reeling backwards in disgust. I think that I may have actually preferred the cruel torture depicted in Peta‘s latest rabbit campaign. If I don’t want to taste meat, I sincerely do not want to be made to believe that I am handling some form of it. Let it be known, I am by no means squeamish, but I do not like fisting around in animal cadavers, especially ground ones. The aversion I felt when I cut the end off of the package, combined with the texture and overall stickiness of the substance within, really turned my stomach. I can see where this sensation would appeal to someone who wants to ‘experiment’ with vegetarianism. Baby steps; it looks, feels and sorta tastes like meat, so you can fool yourself once in a while. But seriously, squirting this shit out of its plastic casing was just short of watching the package bleed. And seriously, If your marketing is as I alluded previously to encourage new recruits, why the hell would you place your items in the produce department, and not the butcher section of the grocery store. And yes, I get that these items are manufactured from produce, and are sold as an alternative to the frozen items by the big K companies.  But even Kellogg and Kraft know to put their non-meat equivalents in a unique setting of the market. Way to fool you.

Now that's a spicy meat-tless ball

The protein itself, aside from the experience, has a good flavor. Granted, I have a very spice driven appetite, and in reality, I have the ability to make just about anything edible. In that regard,  I cannot truly grade the product on its own merits, as I never tasted it in it’s naked environment. The stuff is terribly sticky, and therefore difficult to manage if you plan on forming the it in any way. While sauteing some garlic, ginger, shallots and green onions in olive oil, lemon juice and white balsamic vinegar, I added strips of red and green bell peppers, portobello mushrooms and some heat. In this case, Vietnamese garlic-chili paste, (Huy Fong is the shizznet, I go through at least 1 18oz jar a week,), ground Thai style chilis and cayenne pepper. I removed all but the liquids, added some soy sauce and white wine, brought to a boil and then dropped in squeezed out chunks of the Gimme Lean, sauteed for a few moments, added some extra firm tofu cut into small squares and then recombined everything to mix all flavors, and added some frozen corn. After everything settled, I served the ingredients on top of Korean Sweet potato starch noodles, (Dang Myun). The meal, with or without the GL was excellent. However, due to my aversion of  the packaging and disagreeable exposure to its contents, I’ll never buy this product again. Thanks for the memories. 1

One Comment leave one →
  1. meathorse permalink
    2011/02/19 3:09 pm

    I wish there were more opportunities for me to use “Meatless Squirt Tube” in everyday conversation.

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